[the gentle silence is taken for what it is. Kol understands the need to think, to mull over the years that have passed and the lives lived, even if Edward is so very young still. He can't imagine how difficult it must be for the other who has to live with all the voices, even if he knows how to block most of them out.
Kol hummed and nodded, sitting back up to look seriously over at Edward, understanding completely.]
We all did dark things when we were turned. I can't even count the people I've killed, the gross debauchery I decided was lavish and fun that was truly debase and ... pure murder. I considered all humans less than, and merely food for so many years. I was bored, and lived like that until I found a reason to live otherwise. I understand what it's like to feel that grief and pain. I know what it's like to be disgusted by who you are, what you were made into.
[he lifts his fingers to the edge of Edward's face, and slides them along to his chin so that he can run a thumb over his lips.]
You don't have to do it alone though. You know that, right? There are others, like myself who understand.
( someone who's lived as long as kol has... the body count must be extraordinary. things edward himself can't even begin to comprehend. especially those earlier years, when you're a newborn vampire — when everything feels, smells, looks, and sounds different. when they taste different, to the point of driving one to near madness to fulfill that craving for a particular taste on the tongue and the disgust that comes with it all.
but edward can hear thoughts — hear the panic that floods their mind when they're dying there in front of him, in his grasp, and powerless to do anything. he's heard those thoughts — hasn't cared in the least. can anyone really know what that's like to live with? to know ones last thoughts in their short moments left of life?
a slow blink of eyes, aware of that thumb running along his lips, he lifts his gaze to look to kol, rather sullen. )
[Edward may have the ability to read minds, but if Kol wished he has the ability to capture a mind, and actually see inside it, vivid details. He can live as they die, and has had what he considered the pleasure of doing so. He can create fantasy worlds for them to live and die in as well. It's all about the thrall of blood, taking and sharing. There's a bold difference between their worlds and powers.
There's no doubt in Kol's eyes as he looks deep into Edwards. He sighs and takes a deep breath. Moving his hand up to the side of Edward's head, this is something he can do without blood. ]
May I share something with you? I don't want to overwhelm you, just let you see in part, what I understand in whole. .
( he figures he means push those thoughts to the forefront of his mind — to let whatever barriers he might have around them, fall, so that edward can hear and, in a sense, "see them" in his mind's eye.
gaze still lingering on kol there, his voice is soft when he speaks. )
[Because they are Kol's thoughts directly, he has the ability to share his own mindscape with those he chooses. He's actually only done it once before. Sure, he's been in shared realities with his siblings, tied by magic, but this is more intimate. Kol knows he was so far from human for so long and that makes this more than difficult. It's not something he does with lightness. He does it so that Edward understands that he's not alone.
Not too long ago there was something, someone who changed him. Changed him for so much better, but Kol would still always fight when it came to his family. That was a side that still and always would exist. He may be better, but he will always be a vampire, will always be that predator.
Closing his eyes, Kol opened to Edward and sent memories across the barrier, memories of being young and tied to a tree, of his death and rebirth as one of the first vampires, his first kill, and the pain and the grief that tore through him as he felt every moment of it, unable to stop the vivid images that came across-- no ability whatsoever to dampen any of his powers. All his senses alive ans still overpowering him. Then came the massacres, and the deadening of his soul, and more images flashed through his mind. Some were felt, and some were seen, all were shared with Edward. Kol knew what it was they felt, he knew what it was to be alive for a thousand years, and feel millions of deaths on his shoulders.
Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes and his hand fell, as did he. Kol dropped forward and turned to the side, not wanting to be looked at. Bile closed his throat and he swallowed it down. He accepted long ago who he was, but he didn't often relive it, and never for someone else. ]
( the things he's allowed to hear — the way in which they play out, in a sense, within his mind's eye... he's not entirely sure what he had expected with this. it's jarring and very brutal in ways he hasn't fully done himself, but it's not enough to make him pull away — to label kol the monster that he believes himself to be. how can he, when he's done his own share of murder and ravaging of others?
the brutality of such things read, it's the pain which he can almost feel himself from the other that has him staring to kol — to the way he turns away from him and shares his deep grief of knowing far too well what it is like to feel this. to have lived this. to still carry it with you in some capacity even so many years later.
for a moment, silence. he needs it and he feels maybe kol does, too. it's only after a breeze brushes so very gently across a cold, pale cheek, that he looks over then, gaze soft, and reaches out — hesitating at first — to gently place a hand on kol's shoulder. )
I'm sorry.
( voice soft and yet so very genuine in the empathy he feels for him. )
[That's not even the half of it. Kol held back his very real death, the one that immortals like him, that originals like him aren't supposed to die. He held back the fact that his mother brought him back as a witch only to die again to be resurrected by the love of his life who was killed dead in his arms by his brother. Kol's life was a mess, but he was slowly turning it around in Davina's name.
Coming out here was a start, making sure he fed and didn't kill was another important part of the entire process. He'd been doing really well. This air and the smaller population was nice. Edward's friendship was something he was coming to really lean on and Kol only hoped that he hadn't doomed it with his life.
He knew it wasn't what Edward was expecting, but the hand on his shoulder told him that he wasn't alone. Kol let out a shuddered breath. He turned back toward Edward, tears rimming his eyes. He pushed them away, and placed his hand over Edwards. ]
It's a part of being alive for so long, for starting our part of the race. We had to learn on our own. It wasn't easy. You're not alone. You won't be alone.
( it's strange to hear. you're not alone. you won't be alone. he has his family, he knows and yet... he still feels as if he is at times. alone.
the tears there that had been in kol's eyes are seen, edward unsure with what to do or say that could possibly make it better — that could quell such anguish he feels in this moment and still, very much, carries with him. he's not sure — he feels as though he should know and yet, all he can do is simply keep his hand there where kol's now rests atop it.
maybe it's the fact that kol understands — maybe it's the fact that he still hasn't fed properly. whatever the case, he finds himself leaning in some, eyes still with that softness in them and he says, very genuinely: )
[Another deep breath steadies the vampire and the worst of the memories start to fade back into the deeper recesses of his mind. They will never leave. His long life stays with him always, another curse of his kind. All of his memories will always remain with him for as long as he shall walk this earth, which now that all of the white oak is gone looks to be forever.
Kol was looking for no words of kindness, no remission of his sins. He bore his guilt and wore the sins on his soul. It was a relief knowing he had families around him that understood the pain that their kind could feel,and that there were others out there that worked to keep from hurting others carelessly.
Turning in towards Edward further, Kol brushes against his shoulder and then brings their faces closer. He searches Edward's eyes and the compassion there withers his heart. He hasn't let anyone touch him this deeply since Davina, and now this friendship... ]
You have me, and I have you.
[This time when Kol reaches out he brings his nose in close and brushes it against the side of Edward's cheek. It's been so long since he's thought about gender being a thing in relationships that he doesn't stop to think about Edward being one way or another. He only wants to be close to someone right now, to be close to Edward right now. It's more than his attraction earlier. This is about the vulnerability that they've each shared.
He tips his head to the side and whispers his lips against Edwards, and then pauses.]
( if breath were something to catch in the back of his throat, it would have with kol being so close to him like this. given the fact that he's a vampire and breath isn't anything he needs, eyes shine despite the black which dulls his usual golden amber; a side effect of not having properly fed.
a moment to drop his gaze, he swallows — an awkward huff leaving his lips. )
[Differences abound between the two, because where Kol's body functions like a human's according to his curse, Edward's is so very different. The older vampire finds it odd not to feel the beat of a heart against his fingers when he places them against Edward's chest when he leans in more fully.
Taking his time, he presses in further and truly and honestly kisses Edward, deepening it as the other male allows for it. When it breaks, this time he studies Edward's eyes. ]
It's time for you to eat something, either from me, which will tide you over for a little while, or we actually hunt, but I don't like the pallor on your cheeks, or the dullness in your eyes. Please, my friend.
( this is his first kiss with someone like him — with someone of the same gender and yet, he doesn't feel the urge to pull away in surprise nor horror. he hasn't let himself feel much of anything for or with anyone so it's all... new to him. in many ways. in many conflicting and curious ways.
a slow blink, he doesn't need to see himself to know how his eyes look. he can feel it in his very bones and the way his body tirelessly aches to be rejuvenated again. face scrunched up, he swallows again, a shake of his head. )
I, uh— I can't feed from you. ( the words are soft. ) I don't know if I can stop.
[Not knowing how different, or what a step this is for Edward makes Kol no less gentle with the younger vampire. He remembers how it was when he was young. He recalls what it was not to be able to stop and to kill every person he attempted to feed from. Normally, Kol doesn't show his every emotion across his face for just anyone to see, but since he brought down his walls, he hasn't bothered to pull them back up.
Softly swiping his thumb over Edward's cheek, he nods, a very distinct gentleness in his eyes. ]
If you wish to hunt, that is fine, but also know that if you ever do want to feed from me, you can never hurt me. You can drink every drop of my blood and I will not die. I do not need it inside me to survive. I will want to feed later, but I will be fine. I am also strong enough to stop you if you want to be stopped. I've a few years on you yet.
[He leaned in and kissed Edward gently on the lips again, starting slow but building it a little more than he had last time, as the affection within him grew. He almost cuts one of their lips as is his habit, but he doesn't want to offer the temptation if it's not what Edward wishes. Perhaps one day.]
( the kiss, sweet as it is for him, is cut short with a huff of laughter that spills from edward's lips to kol's. he pulls back — enough to look to him — and eyes are still dark in the way they shine as he stares to him. )
You think I worry about you not being able to stop me?
( he knows kol's much older and stronger than him. )
It's how I would think of myself for feeding from you. Especially if I liked it.
[Sitting back, Kol looks at Edward and thinks for a second. He dips his head and then lifts it moving a little bit apart.]
Do you think I'm less because I like feeding from humans, or that I might enjoy feeding from you? I drink live, Edward. I won't cut myself off from that. Does that disgust you, make you like me less?
[There's a sharp inhale of breath where an exhale never follows because technically Kol doesn't need to, and so he doesn't. He holds the breath and feels the pain in his chest. Maybe Edward didn't mean it that way. It was only a means of self-reflection, but it stung all the same, especially after all Kol had just shared and the way he'd opened up.
Kol didn't care how Edward chose to feed, but what he said about feeding in general, as if it were wrong altogether. Not only being unable to stop, but feeding on blood at all...]
How can you ever learn if you never try? Not today, not tonight. You're too hungry now. I don't care how you feed. I just wanted to offer, if you ever desire, okay? I'm here for you. I care about you. I don't want you to be upset or uncomfortable. I understand that you've taken a vow and you don't need to break it for me.
[Placing his hand on Edward's shoulder, he pulls the other over to him, and kisses the side of his neck softly, holding him gently after for moments before looking at him again. ]
Like I had said before, I didn't care how you fed. I said we could go hunting. I only wanted to help with the hunger I see.
( he knows he needs to feed. that the longer he leaves it, the worse it'll become — the weaker he'll get and the more likely it'll become to accidentally harm someone. he doesn't often end up that desperate or that weak, but. it's always a thought that nags at him in the back of his head. how it could be.
something inside him twists — kol's words drifting on his thoughts and he looks up to the other vampire after a moment. )
[There's a thin line to tread here, and Kol's not exactly sure about the right way to move forward. He's offered himself and Edward got upset, and yet he knows that he is the safest person that Edward could try to drink from. It's not full nourishment, but it tastes like normal blood. It's perfectly human, it's just not going to last but a little while.
He doesn't want to start something that puts Edward in a dark place, but most vampires have to crawl before they walk, and Kol has taught thousands and thousands of baby vampires through the initial phases, those he had absolutely no connection with.
Maybe it could be just them. Taking Edward's hands in his own, he looks across. ]
You could always keep it to just me. I'm not addictive. I don't think. I mean, you have to feed outside me, and so you still have to hunt, but you'd have the pleasure of biting and enjoying my blood for a while and I'd have the unique pleasure of you .... biting me. We can go slow, or see how it plays out. I want to do what you want, Edward.
( it's said softly — as a joke mostly because... he has no intention of doing that. of biting someone else. of feeding from them. vampire or not.
gaze lingering there on hands that kol holds, he considers the other's words — considers the things inside him and what it is he wants. that alone is always rather complicated for him given the fact that he often feels guilty or wrong for what he wants. truly too hard on himself with what he is and how difficult such a mindset is to shake yourself out of. )
[Realizing his mistake he bites at his lip and nods. He's about to say something but then Edward speaks again, and Kol is unsure. The Original would happily bite his own wrist for Edward if that's what the other wanted, and he doesn't exactly think that there's anyone around for miles, but if he needs them to be elsewhere, then they can be elsewhere. ]
We can go wherever you want. We can go to my place, or somewhere deeper in the forest.
[Feeling rather curious now, Kol isn't as sure what it is the other vampire wants. He releases Edward's hands and stands up.]
I have a small house rented on the outskirts of town. I have to be close for my needs, but I don't want to be too close, because of who I am. Will that do? Tell me where you want. Talk to me. What do you want?
[For now until they reach his car back at Edward's house they can both move at the speed with which they came here. It's like flying again, except now there's a heated anticipation there that hadn't been before. Before Kol knows it, they're back and he's in his small two seater car driving down the road.
He's not quite as fast as Edward on the roads, but mainly because he doesn't want to miss the turns. He still isn't familiar with this town. It's less than a few minutes though before they're pulling up to the little cottage like house he's rented. It's cute, and obviously was an expensive rental. There are upgrades, but Kol's quiet when he opens the door, and shuts it behind them.
A part of him wants to simply pin Edward to the door and kiss the fuck out of him, but he's been gentle, and kind and gone easy on the other because he knows about how absent anything like this has been in his life, and he will take it as slow as Edward wants.]
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Date: 2023-10-24 10:39 pm (UTC)Kol hummed and nodded, sitting back up to look seriously over at Edward, understanding completely.]
We all did dark things when we were turned. I can't even count the people I've killed, the gross debauchery I decided was lavish and fun that was truly debase and ... pure murder. I considered all humans less than, and merely food for so many years. I was bored, and lived like that until I found a reason to live otherwise. I understand what it's like to feel that grief and pain. I know what it's like to be disgusted by who you are, what you were made into.
[he lifts his fingers to the edge of Edward's face, and slides them along to his chin so that he can run a thumb over his lips.]
You don't have to do it alone though. You know that, right? There are others, like myself who understand.
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Date: 2023-10-24 11:20 pm (UTC)but edward can hear thoughts — hear the panic that floods their mind when they're dying there in front of him, in his grasp, and powerless to do anything. he's heard those thoughts — hasn't cared in the least. can anyone really know what that's like to live with? to know ones last thoughts in their short moments left of life?
a slow blink of eyes, aware of that thumb running along his lips, he lifts his gaze to look to kol, rather sullen. )
Do you?
( understand. )
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Date: 2023-10-24 11:43 pm (UTC)There's no doubt in Kol's eyes as he looks deep into Edwards. He sighs and takes a deep breath. Moving his hand up to the side of Edward's head, this is something he can do without blood. ]
May I share something with you? I don't want to overwhelm you, just let you see in part, what I understand in whole. .
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Date: 2023-10-24 11:50 pm (UTC)gaze still lingering on kol there, his voice is soft when he speaks. )
Sure. What can it hurt?
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Date: 2023-10-25 12:19 am (UTC)Not too long ago there was something, someone who changed him. Changed him for so much better, but Kol would still always fight when it came to his family. That was a side that still and always would exist. He may be better, but he will always be a vampire, will always be that predator.
Closing his eyes, Kol opened to Edward and sent memories across the barrier, memories of being young and tied to a tree, of his death and rebirth as one of the first vampires, his first kill, and the pain and the grief that tore through him as he felt every moment of it, unable to stop the vivid images that came across-- no ability whatsoever to dampen any of his powers. All his senses alive ans still overpowering him. Then came the massacres, and the deadening of his soul, and more images flashed through his mind. Some were felt, and some were seen, all were shared with Edward. Kol knew what it was they felt, he knew what it was to be alive for a thousand years, and feel millions of deaths on his shoulders.
Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes and his hand fell, as did he. Kol dropped forward and turned to the side, not wanting to be looked at. Bile closed his throat and he swallowed it down. He accepted long ago who he was, but he didn't often relive it, and never for someone else. ]
I do. I do understand, and now so do you.
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Date: 2023-10-25 10:26 pm (UTC)the brutality of such things read, it's the pain which he can almost feel himself from the other that has him staring to kol — to the way he turns away from him and shares his deep grief of knowing far too well what it is like to feel this. to have lived this. to still carry it with you in some capacity even so many years later.
for a moment, silence. he needs it and he feels maybe kol does, too. it's only after a breeze brushes so very gently across a cold, pale cheek, that he looks over then, gaze soft, and reaches out — hesitating at first — to gently place a hand on kol's shoulder. )
I'm sorry.
( voice soft and yet so very genuine in the empathy he feels for him. )
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Date: 2023-10-25 10:42 pm (UTC)Coming out here was a start, making sure he fed and didn't kill was another important part of the entire process. He'd been doing really well. This air and the smaller population was nice. Edward's friendship was something he was coming to really lean on and Kol only hoped that he hadn't doomed it with his life.
He knew it wasn't what Edward was expecting, but the hand on his shoulder told him that he wasn't alone. Kol let out a shuddered breath. He turned back toward Edward, tears rimming his eyes. He pushed them away, and placed his hand over Edwards. ]
It's a part of being alive for so long, for starting our part of the race. We had to learn on our own. It wasn't easy. You're not alone. You won't be alone.
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Date: 2023-10-25 11:03 pm (UTC)the tears there that had been in kol's eyes are seen, edward unsure with what to do or say that could possibly make it better — that could quell such anguish he feels in this moment and still, very much, carries with him. he's not sure — he feels as though he should know and yet, all he can do is simply keep his hand there where kol's now rests atop it.
maybe it's the fact that kol understands — maybe it's the fact that he still hasn't fed properly. whatever the case, he finds himself leaning in some, eyes still with that softness in them and he says, very genuinely: )
I know. I have you.
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Date: 2023-10-26 01:06 am (UTC)Kol was looking for no words of kindness, no remission of his sins. He bore his guilt and wore the sins on his soul. It was a relief knowing he had families around him that understood the pain that their kind could feel,and that there were others out there that worked to keep from hurting others carelessly.
Turning in towards Edward further, Kol brushes against his shoulder and then brings their faces closer. He searches Edward's eyes and the compassion there withers his heart. He hasn't let anyone touch him this deeply since Davina, and now this friendship... ]
You have me, and I have you.
[This time when Kol reaches out he brings his nose in close and brushes it against the side of Edward's cheek. It's been so long since he's thought about gender being a thing in relationships that he doesn't stop to think about Edward being one way or another. He only wants to be close to someone right now, to be close to Edward right now. It's more than his attraction earlier. This is about the vulnerability that they've each shared.
He tips his head to the side and whispers his lips against Edwards, and then pauses.]
Is this okay?
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Date: 2023-10-26 07:59 pm (UTC)a moment to drop his gaze, he swallows — an awkward huff leaving his lips. )
You're ok... yeah.
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Date: 2023-10-26 08:28 pm (UTC)Taking his time, he presses in further and truly and honestly kisses Edward, deepening it as the other male allows for it. When it breaks, this time he studies Edward's eyes. ]
It's time for you to eat something, either from me, which will tide you over for a little while, or we actually hunt, but I don't like the pallor on your cheeks, or the dullness in your eyes. Please, my friend.
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Date: 2023-10-26 08:47 pm (UTC)a slow blink, he doesn't need to see himself to know how his eyes look. he can feel it in his very bones and the way his body tirelessly aches to be rejuvenated again. face scrunched up, he swallows again, a shake of his head. )
I, uh— I can't feed from you. ( the words are soft. ) I don't know if I can stop.
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Date: 2023-10-26 09:28 pm (UTC)Softly swiping his thumb over Edward's cheek, he nods, a very distinct gentleness in his eyes. ]
If you wish to hunt, that is fine, but also know that if you ever do want to feed from me, you can never hurt me. You can drink every drop of my blood and I will not die. I do not need it inside me to survive. I will want to feed later, but I will be fine. I am also strong enough to stop you if you want to be stopped. I've a few years on you yet.
[He leaned in and kissed Edward gently on the lips again, starting slow but building it a little more than he had last time, as the affection within him grew. He almost cuts one of their lips as is his habit, but he doesn't want to offer the temptation if it's not what Edward wishes. Perhaps one day.]
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Date: 2023-10-26 10:11 pm (UTC)You think I worry about you not being able to stop me?
( he knows kol's much older and stronger than him. )
It's how I would think of myself for feeding from you. Especially if I liked it.
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Date: 2023-10-26 10:25 pm (UTC)Do you think I'm less because I like feeding from humans, or that I might enjoy feeding from you? I drink live, Edward. I won't cut myself off from that. Does that disgust you, make you like me less?
[There's a sharp inhale of breath where an exhale never follows because technically Kol doesn't need to, and so he doesn't. He holds the breath and feels the pain in his chest. Maybe Edward didn't mean it that way. It was only a means of self-reflection, but it stung all the same, especially after all Kol had just shared and the way he'd opened up.
Kol didn't care how Edward chose to feed, but what he said about feeding in general, as if it were wrong altogether. Not only being unable to stop, but feeding on blood at all...]
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Date: 2023-10-26 10:28 pm (UTC)I didn't mean you.
( voice tight, he licks over his lips — a huff, then looks down. )
I can't... trust myself with something like that.
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Date: 2023-10-26 10:45 pm (UTC)[Placing his hand on Edward's shoulder, he pulls the other over to him, and kisses the side of his neck softly, holding him gently after for moments before looking at him again. ]
Like I had said before, I didn't care how you fed. I said we could go hunting. I only wanted to help with the hunger I see.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:00 pm (UTC)something inside him twists — kol's words drifting on his thoughts and he looks up to the other vampire after a moment. )
What if some part of me wants to break it?
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:08 pm (UTC)He doesn't want to start something that puts Edward in a dark place, but most vampires have to crawl before they walk, and Kol has taught thousands and thousands of baby vampires through the initial phases, those he had absolutely no connection with.
Maybe it could be just them. Taking Edward's hands in his own, he looks across. ]
You could always keep it to just me. I'm not addictive. I don't think. I mean, you have to feed outside me, and so you still have to hunt, but you'd have the pleasure of biting and enjoying my blood for a while and I'd have the unique pleasure of you .... biting me. We can go slow, or see how it plays out. I want to do what you want, Edward.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:28 pm (UTC)( it's said softly — as a joke mostly because... he has no intention of doing that. of biting someone else. of feeding from them. vampire or not.
gaze lingering there on hands that kol holds, he considers the other's words — considers the things inside him and what it is he wants. that alone is always rather complicated for him given the fact that he often feels guilty or wrong for what he wants. truly too hard on himself with what he is and how difficult such a mindset is to shake yourself out of. )
Not here.
( he says then. )
Not so out in the open.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:35 pm (UTC)We can go wherever you want. We can go to my place, or somewhere deeper in the forest.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:55 pm (UTC)( again, he shakes his head. )
It's too open.
( even if others aren't around, there's a chance he could take off and edward is so very fast. )
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Date: 2023-10-27 12:05 am (UTC)I have a small house rented on the outskirts of town. I have to be close for my needs, but I don't want to be too close, because of who I am. Will that do? Tell me where you want. Talk to me. What do you want?
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Date: 2023-10-27 11:50 pm (UTC)( a beat. a lick of his lips. )
To the rented house.
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Date: 2023-10-28 12:04 am (UTC)[For now until they reach his car back at Edward's house they can both move at the speed with which they came here. It's like flying again, except now there's a heated anticipation there that hadn't been before. Before Kol knows it, they're back and he's in his small two seater car driving down the road.
He's not quite as fast as Edward on the roads, but mainly because he doesn't want to miss the turns. He still isn't familiar with this town. It's less than a few minutes though before they're pulling up to the little cottage like house he's rented. It's cute, and obviously was an expensive rental. There are upgrades, but Kol's quiet when he opens the door, and shuts it behind them.
A part of him wants to simply pin Edward to the door and kiss the fuck out of him, but he's been gentle, and kind and gone easy on the other because he knows about how absent anything like this has been in his life, and he will take it as slow as Edward wants.]
Now what?
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